J1 and J2 are my two
eldest sons. They are about five months apart and while we raise them as though
they were twins, they are nothing alike. Everything in our house could be color
coded, red for J1 and blue for J2. J1 loves car, trucks and Legos. J2 loves
dinosaurs and animals. All of these things are easy to deal with, but what
happens when you have two children, one who is introverted and requires “me
time” for his wellbeing, while the other is social and doesn’t understand the
need for “me time” or the desire for it.
J1, our adopted son, is a replica of my husband. He is
content to curl up in his daddy’s lap in front of the computer and watch my
husband play games for hours. J1 enjoys building and rebuild Lego toys for the
simple joy of figuring out the options he has with a limited set of blocks. He
also would prefer watching people and trying to figure out what makes them tick
rather than attempt to interact with them. J1 is unable to read facial expressions
which can lead to awkward and confusing moments for him. He is a loner,
however, with the right person he is an affectionate cuddler. One of the
highlights to my day is when he curls up in bed with me early in the morning
with his blanket. He scooches back into me and pulls my arm around his waist.
He lays there in the early morning light looking out the window and basks in
the silence. Soon to be broken by the shrieks of the baby wanting his morning
bottle and the whines of J2 wanting his milk and morning banana.
J2 is social to say the least. I fear the days he becomes
a teen boy and learns to flash that sweet, mischievous grin that never fails to
get him what he wants, except from his momma. I fear that he will be the spitting
image of me, able to manipulate people into doing what you want, a skill that
as a child you don’t know how to use responsibly. J2 is a happy, active child,
with energy to spare. Constantly on the move and demanding attention from those
around him.
To compound the issues, we are in a situation where, for
the health of J3, our youngest and last, the children are being quarantined.
So, what do you do? As one child demands more and more time alone and the other
is needing socialization. The answer should be that I play baseball, or bowling,
or soccer with him. And, one would think that this would be possible with
eleven hours in my stay-at-home-mom day. Sadly, with just me and three boys, I
spend my time feeding the infant, preparing breakfast, lunch, snacks and drinks
(milk, V8, and sweet juice). Then there is naptime for the older boys, the baby
sleeps every few hours, which leaves me with a few hours to read, practice
numbers, colors and ABCs with J1 and J2 before I need my time. Yes, “my time”
not just for J1, but me and my husband as well. I really do feel for J2. How
horrific it must be for an extroverted person to live in a house of introverts.
So, for the hour or so that I manage amongst the rest of the chaos, I play
fetch with my son. No, not catch, because three year old children usually
cannot actually catch a ball. I toss a squishy ball down the hall for him to
run after in the hopes to burn some of his never ending energy.
This only works so long before he wants to play with his
brother. “Come fish with me.” “Come kick/hit/throw the ball with me.”
The resounding, “No,” is heartbreaking to J2, when J1 is
emphatic about having “me time”.
J2 takes this personally. “Mommy, what did I do wrong?”
“Nothing baby.” I reach out and caress the cheek of my child
whose eyes are filling with tears of incomprehension. How do you explain to a
three year old that there are people in this world who prefer to spend their
time alone?
Sometimes, I can bargain with J2. “Daddy will play when
he gets home.”
Sometimes, daddy is too tired to play when he gets home and
what little time he musters up, between dinner and bath time, to give to J2 is
unsatisfying for my three year old.
“Why can he not just sit in my lap like J1 does?” My
husband asks frustrated and tired.
“Because J2 is not like the rest of us.” I answer
sympathetically, understand both my husband and J2s side of this issue.
Of course, there is the all important lesson for J1.
While I understand his need for “me time”, J1 also needs to understand that he will
not always be able to have that time for himself. There are times when I explain
to J1 that you can’t ignore those around you, your friends or your family. J1
always breaks down into a fit because suddenly he is not getting his way, but
tough, life is built on having to do activities that you don’t really want to
do because you are needed as a part of the community.
On any number of trying days, I patiently wait and hope
that J3 will balance out this need of socialization. Already, J2 has learned to
play and spend time with J3. J2 is currently teaching J3, who is seven months
old, his ABCs and the sounds animals make. J3 adores the attention he gets from
his brother. And while balancing three children is difficult, perhaps these issues
will work themselves out … most likely not.
E. Schierschmidt
No comments:
Post a Comment