I have always enjoyed writing, as long as what I was
writing was not directly about my life. I was adopted when I was four. I have a
lot of horrible memories of my early years. Therefore, talking about adoption
was a sensitive subject. I felt abandoned by my biological parents and bought
by my adoptive parents. Now, I can admit that my birth father was probably
grooming me for a life of sexual abuse, a cycle repeated by what his
grandfather had done to him. Unfortunately, the repercussions of such early
grooming would follow me until my mid-twenties. But in my early teens I was
hostile and secretive about such discussions.
Growing up I would do everything possible not to confront
myself and my past. I wrote about fantastical worlds where everything was
perfect and no one suffered. I wrote about people who were flawless. As I grew,
I hated those around me. I hated the world I grew up in. I hated myself. I did
not believe that good existed. I believed that every good action masked a
devious desire that would expose itself at the last moment when it was too late
to avoid. I was bitter. Slowly the people in my stories became monsters.
Vampires. Werewolves. Witches. All devious and deceitful.
Then something in my life changed. I met a good man. I
met good people. While I struggle with the ideas I grew up with, I was forced to
accept that there was actual good. Not perfect by any means but good. My
monsters changed. They began to have good intentions despite the outcome. Then
God become a priority in my life and therefore my stories. One of the women I
critique with began to notice this change as well and pointed it out to me. For
good or bad, I am God focused in one way or another. This conversation led to
another one about how I wanted to portray my work for publication.
I was staunchly against publication under a Christian title.
I didn’t want to bottle neck my work. I wanted it to appeal to a wide audience
that might read about vampires but not about God. There is a joke in there
since I am not published and should be grateful that anyone is willing to look
at my work, but…
All of this has led me to become more aware of what I
write and the point of the stories I want to tell. I have accepted the change
in my own work. I have experienced a change within myself. While I am
attempting to become a regular blogger, here at Its Shire-shh-mit, where I write
about my life. Attempting to become a writer. What it is like in my house as a
stay-at-home-mom with three boys. Dieting because I am morbidly obese and have
type two diabetes. What it is like to deal with a child with a congenital heart
defect. I am also preparing to enter the world of devotional writing. An idea
that truly terrifies me. However, it is something that I feel I am being called
to do. The blog is called Amateur
Prayers and I am not sure what will come of it, if anything.
At this point in my life I am casting a net wide. I have
applied and been accepting and hopefully will be completing a B.A. in English.
My goal is that my writing will be improved and enhanced by studying others.
After that, the plan is to push to graduate school for religious studies. What
will become of me and my education after all of this, I cannot say. I can say
that I place an amazing amount of faith and trust that God will lead me and my
family toward a new future. And that I hope that future will include writing in
whatever form I am drawn to.
Follow me as I find out
what my future holds.
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